Pregame parade

Being a season-ticket holder, one of the things I don't get to do as often as I used to is settle into the couch on a Sunday morning and watch all the pregame coverage. So I brewed up some Peet's and decided to see if my remote control skills were still there. Just like riding a bike.

First stop: Fox. The network that turned the pregame show into a circus by adding comedians and cartoon graphics of robots. The starting lineup on the NFL Sunday morning shows change every year. Checking out the Fox desk I see former Giant Michael Strahan has joined Terry Bradshaw, Howie Long (is he still there?), and Jimmy Johnson. I guess JJ is really not coming back to coaching.

The camera cuts to Strahan awarding a hideous red Ford Taurus to a woman who won a contest. "It's all voice activated. You can just talk and tell it to do things," says Strahan. "Really. I drove this thing around for a few weeks." Not sure what this has to do with football. Then the anchors start talking about the Steelers-Vikings clash. Good. That's a big game. What insight can they give me? Bradshaw says the Steelers should be careful what they wish for in playing Brett Favre (who came into the league the same time as Bradshaw I think). "Caveat emptor" Bradshaw says to Strahan who looks at him as if he was speaking Latin. "I speak English," Strahan says. It's not good when Bradshaw looks smarter than you.

Switch to the NFL Network and Michael Lombardi is breaking down the Colts-Texans game. Finally! Some actual football talk. Love the NFL Network. The new NFL RedZone channel shows that American ingenuity is still alive and well. Lombardi talks excitedly about the Colts offense and their "explosive aerosol passing attack." Click.

No pregame viewing would be complete without checking in on ESPN's "NFL Countdown" hosted by the Boomer Chris Berman. I don't know anyone who hasn't grown a little tired of the Boomer's act. He's lost his fastball when it comes to his rapid-fire delivery. But he's the Boomer. Like Johnny Carson, it's just comforting to see him. What isn't comforting is watching Tom Jackson and Keyshawn Johnson standing on a green floor that is supposed to simulate a football field. Jackson's holding a ball. He's explaining something about how you stop the wildcat offense. He and Keyshawn, wearing some darn sharp suits, start acting out the plays. I'm too distracted by Keyshawn's tie to follow what they are saying. It's never a good idea when an anchor or analyst leaves his or her desk. Never. Just show me some game film. Don't act it out.

Commercial. Time to go to the ... wait. There's David Spade in one of those Direct TV commercials where they take an actor in a movie scene and then record the actor looking like he's still in the scene but talking about Direct TV while the rest of the scene continues as usual. Only he's reenacting the classic "fat guy in little coat" scene from "Tommy Boy." Spade is spliced into the original scene with his old pal Chris Farley. Who's dead. Spade must have told himself as he cashed the check that it would make a great homage. It's just ghoulish.

Back to ESPN. The feature is "Ditka's Doghouse." Snoop Dog made the theme song. Snoop and Ditka. Makes sense. Ditka goes into Iron Mike ramble mode and rips on the Chargers for their being all mouth and no game. Have to agree with him there even though I only understood about half of what he said. Next feature is a special report on the old "Superstars" TV show of the early '70s. The episode pitted the Steelers against the Vikings in a Super Bowl rematch featuring one of the greatest tug-of-war battles in the history of sports involving rope.

Back to the NFL Network and the talk focuses on the Pats vs. the Bucs in London. Warren Sapp, former Buc, sums it up for his Tampa team: "That's a long way to go for a bum whipping." Click.

Time for "The NFL Today" on CBS. There's Dan Marino, Boomer (Esiason, not Berman), Shannon Sharpe, and former Steeler coach Bill Cowher. They are making their predictions for the games and Sharpe is holding a wrestling championship belt which I think means he won picking games last season. We have one of those for the loser in our family fantasy league.

Cut to a feature on the NFL's future in London. There's Bob Kraft looking dapper standing outside what could be 10 Downing Street. What's that he's saying? "If we expand the schedule to 18 games I think within a decade we could have an NFL franchise in London." He says the game is catching on in the land of rugby and soccer. Cut to a couple of English guys who were just asked what they know about the NFL. "I don't watch American football," said one gent. "There was a player called the Fridge right?" Looks like it's really catching on. A franchise in London? An 18-game schedule? Well, I'll enjoy the NFL for now ... till they destroy it. It's just right the way it is. Bigger is not always better. Except in nose tackles.

1 p.m. approaches and it's time to make a sandwich and pour a beer. I'm ready to watch some football. But I can't say I know anymore about the games than I did before a morning of watching television.

I'm looking forward to the Miami tailgate in two weeks.